Why I Said: “No”

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The other night I found myself in a situation most women find themselves in on a regular basis.  Since high school women must deal with the pressures of sex, relationships, and random hookups, and I am no exception.  Now, that I am in college, working, and living on my own, it seems these pressures have reached a steady climax, and I’m just sitting helplessly at the top of the mountain ready to plummet down a deadly crevice at any minute. 

I’ve taught myself not to trust men: I’ve told myself that, like transients move from one city to another, they will move from one woman to another, always. Some people find my distrust in men rather odd, as I am practically best friends with my father.  However this ”mantra” has almost always proved me right; and, although, does not dissuade me from fooling around, does help remind me the day after, I will not be getting a call, whether or not I went “all the way.”

This particular situation started off innocently enough, when “Steven” came over to watch a movie.  But, from the moment he called me to set up the date, both of us knew where the evening would lead.    We watched the movie in my small room.  I could feel my heart in my throat and every movement I made became 100 times more automated, almost as if they were calculated, even down to my next breath.

 The movie ended, I turned to face him, and he took me in his arms.   At one point in the night, I was mostly naked, “Steven” had his shirt off, and his jeans still on.  Our legs were intertwined and I was in such disarray that I barely noticed him unbuckle his belt and slip out of his boxers.  “No.”  I said.  “No?” he repeated, but complied as he pulled his boxers back up.  Ironically this did not ruin the mood and we slowed down our pace.  After a few minutes of laying together, cuddling, “Steven” turned so he’s on top of me and says: “now that your head is clear, do you want to have sex?”  Silence.  All you could hear were the crickets outside and the breeze off of Pevine Mountain.  And again I said: “no.”

The night ends, I walked him to the door, we kissed goodnight. 

I didn’t fully realize why I said no until the next day.  After work I drove to my parents’ house to see my 5 year old niece, Erika.   I had bought Erika a poster with horses on it for her to color and a pack of markers.  Being 5, of course, she was thrilled.  “Molly, color with me!”  She stated excitedly.  So, I colored with her, and as we colored I listened to her chatter and sing.  “Molly, do you know Once Upon a Dream?”  She starts singing from the ”Disney-fied” Tchaikovsky classic, Sleeping Beauty:  “I know you, I walked with you, once upon a dream…I know you, the gleam in your eye, is so familiar to me…Yes I know it’s true that visions are seldom all they seem, But if I know you, I know what you’d do, you’d love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream…” And at that moment I realized why exactly I had said no.  Sex is wonderful.  But love is something far greater.  This is something I want all women to know, not that men are evil, but the simple truth that love triumphs over hookups and one night stands. 

I don’t believe prince charming is going to come sweep me off my feet and rescue me from today’s fire breathing dragon of stresses caused by school, work, relationships, etc. nor do I believe that sex is neccessarily something to be saved for marriage.  But Erika reminded me, that sunny afternoon, why love is so awesome, and how it affects the way we think at all ages.   I said no, because, at my age, during a time when casual hookups are rampit, a 5 year old reminded me I would rather be in love with a man I have sex with. 

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Filed under Hook Ups, Relationships, love, sex